Greg has asked me, his lovely assistant, to post a message for him apologizing for the lack of business on Business n'at. Although he says he is staying at a fancy hotel in Dallas (with Starbucks coffee in the room!), there's somehow no free internets. Of course, our favorite business man deserves so much better. Let's just be thankful that he's got good coffee and a plush terry robe.

He promises that he'll have lots of exciting stuff to post in the upcoming week. He did call me excitedly yesterday, saying that he was in the very place from which the Zapruder film was taken! (For those of you who aren't into conspiracy theory, JFK was shot in Dallas and the film footage is called the Zapruder film. I don't know why and I don't care.)

Geezy and I are meeting up in Austin tomorrow for a mini vacation. Work has been especially idiotic lately, and I can't wait to get away. I actually had to laugh in the new CEO's face when she denied the impact of racism on the educational system. I must quit soon.

Anyway, the kitties need me now. They miss Greg as much as I do. (Except they probably weren't super pissed when they discovered today that he left wet laundry in the washing machine. Mold was actually growing in there. Disgusting.)

Secret peek into the luxurious US Airways Club in Pittsburgh

I also found this video of the deluxe US Airways Club on that memory card. I shot this on 11/1 before my flight out to Prarie View, Texas. This where I hang out when I don't have to do any work - chillin' at the bar, watching tv and eating free chex mix.

On the Road Again!



I was cleaning out a memory card for my phone and found these little gems from my flight back from Nashville on 12/1 and they made me a little excited to be traveling tomorrow. These are my people. Row after row of middle aged white guys wearing dockers, casual button down shirts, reading the USA Today (although it's easy to imagine that the first picture is not of an airplane but some futuristic or alternate-universe public bathroom, located in a world where different conceptions of personal space was the catalyst for advanced ventilation technology). I love the smell of airplanes and asking for a whole can of ginger ale from the stewardess.

The flight tomorrow is not perfect - because I have to be at a meeting at 3pm Sunday my flight leaves at 7:55 am. It's nice that it is non-stop, but in order to fly back home from Austin rather than Dallas I am flying on American, not US Airways. American is a nicer airline but I only have the possibility of becoming a preferred traveler on US Airways (= free upgrade to 1st class) so this trip doesn't put me any closer to the preferred status I deserve. It's not a total loss because I'll rack up around 3,000 of the 5,000 freq flier miles I need on American for 2 r/t tickets to Europe.

It's tax time bitches!

I finished our taxes and for the first time we have to pay - it's no big deal because we have the money, but it does feel like we're adults. I guess it's the price you pay when you're a high roller.

Just when I thought there wasn't anything Betty could do to make me want her more...

Look for The Union Label!!

Oh man it's going to be a good week - I'll be at a big conference in Dallas, my hotel will be within walking distance of Dealey Plaza where JFK was killed, and lots of quality beef brisket bbq will be available. Probably the best news is that a new study in The Lancet demonstrates that LSD, Ecstasy, and weed are not as harmful as alcohol or cigarettes. This is going to be the best conference ever!

I will be shocked if Alberto Gonzales is still Attorney General by the time all of you read this.

Happy Furry Friday

BREAKING NEWS: Joss Stone and Christina Aguilera Do Not Fuck for Tracks!

Below is the official statement from Dallas Austin apologizing for what he said about the two gals in the videos I posted the other day (which now have been taken down):

Every action generates an equal and opposite reaction. My statement about Christina Aguilera and Joss Stone was a reaction to an incident I care not to discuss in any forum, and while I may have felt justified, I do owe an apology to Christina, Joss and their families. The comments I made about Christina Aguilera and Joss Stone were purely an act of retaliation not of malice or cruel intent. As we all have our boiling points, I sincerely apologize as this is not my character nor should I have let anyone's actions push me to this limit. I have let my family, friends, employees and business associates down with my actions. All content and any malicious statements that were in my control have been removed from outlets that may have posted this. Please accept this as my formal statement and apology to all parties involved. I got them confused with some other bitches. My bad.

Which is Your Favorite Chicken?

I think mine is #39 and I would give #4 Honorable Mention.

Roller Derby!!!!

Hey all,
This entry is being typed by hand because the voice recognition software still has some kinks to be worked out. We had a fun weekend due to Adale's diligent planning. Friday we did hit the Vagina Monologues - it wasn't the laugh riot I was expecting but I did realize that my vagina likes stage shows with more slapstick, seltzer-in-the-face type action. Unfortunately the weather was crappy and we were all tired so we ditched playing video games and eating snacks.

I was super excited for Saturday because we were going to the Roller Derby with the Steel City Derby Demons. We picked Liana and her friend Brent and the fun started even before the bout started. In the parking lot we encountered the lair of a rather exceptional member of the native Yinzer species
The roller rink was packed, maybe 500-600 people ready for action. This was the gals first bout and things were pretty organized but low on the spectacle. We were talking afterwards and we all thought they really need to make it a crazy time, with smoke and lasers, fights, loud music, and grudge matches. The matches started off slow but the skaters really got into it during the final period. The Hot Metal Hellions were way behind the Slumber Party Slashers in the final period but came back and won maybe the last 6 jams (2 minute "rounds" when the skating actually takes place) and ended up winning on a controversial decision by the refs. Cheeseburger was the clear star of the bout. We'll probably go next time because a gal we know is playing, but to be honest it wasn't as exciting as it could have been. Maybe I'll talk Adale into going to the post-party so we can chat up some of the skaters. I really thought there would have been more pushing, punching, and fighting.

Afterwards we got Vietnamese food and ditched the lesbian dance party because 1) people we thought were going didn't 2) the music is too loud to actually talk to anyone 3) the pho was dragging us down.

Welcome to the Greggytron 3000

Am writing this with my speech recognition software. I am still training the program to understand my voice. It does talk like a robot or also will not work in Riyadh know if I'll ever get used to doing this. Can't wait until will just be able to think words and it will pop up on the computer. A good weekend lots of fun activities. A night we went to the vagina mild monologues. Nothing but good times. Surely weather was not very good month on who we were tired we did not go play videogames. Her day we went to go see the roller derby. It could've been more exciting, or have a soul have to brainstorm a mope with some good ideas to make it or of a spectacle. I am tired fooling around with this so I'm going to go microwave a turkey strong bully.

GOSSIP

I think Dallas Austin is my new hero for dishing the dirt hardcore.




UPDATE: For some reason this video has been taken down from the host site, probably because Christina Aguilera's people weren't very happy with Dallas Austin talking about how she was fucking all of his friends while telling him that they were together. Basically every time she met one of his friends she screwed him within 12 hours. Austin cites her as yet another "ho fuckin' for tracks."

I'm posting this video because it sheds light on a problem in the recording industry that is pervasive in the fund raising world as well. Honestly, I am still trying to forget my time working for St. Joseph's Geriatric Rest Home of Sacremento.

Dallas Austin Talking About Joss Stone
Uploaded by apartment3b

I Heart Academia

I am posting this with minimal comments. I feel I need to get it out there to let y'all soak in the awesomeness of this upstanding representative of higher education. I've got to clean up the house and get ready for our fun weekend: Tonight - dinner, Vagina Monologues, and video games/pinball; Tomorrow - roller derby and St. Patty's Day fun. I wish I could be in West Chester to see experience Joe's reaction first hand.

I'm a PhD student and this is my life

---

Reply to: pers-294280797@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-03-15, 2:10AM EDT


As one of the foot soldiers of the academic world, I feel it is my duty to debunk the stereotypes associated with academia and address how my peers in industry and professional school view me and my kind. I think it makes the most sense logistically to address this points individually so here we go.

1.) "You're just going for a PhD because you couldn't get a decent job."

Good PhD programs (top 10%) will only accept applicants with relevant work experience and at least a 3.8 GPA. Remember that job you interviewed for and you really wanted because it was the best company in the field, only took the best applicants, had the best benefits, etc.? Remember how crushed you were when you found out the position was filled? Yeah that was me, and that job bored me.

2.) "I'm more important than you because I'm in charge of ______ at work."

PhD students are the cornerstone of research that can change the world. Anytime the news reports that "Researchers at the University of ____ have found the cure for ____." or "____ University announced a breakthrough in nanotechnology" just remember that there was a PhD student in charge. So in twenty years when your car uses seawater instead of gasoline and Cancer is no longer a death sentence, make sure you tell your project team that there's nothing more important than turning in their time sheets by Friday at 1.

3.) "I have my MBA/JD/MD/DDS. Getting a PhD can't be that hard."

The US Department of Labor recognizes those 4 degrees as "First Professional Degrees". A PhD is classified as a Research Doctorate and is "the highest earned academic degree in U.S.

Hmm... I wonder which one is harder? In fact, the next time you feel like complaining about taking the bar or passing your state boards, ask someone with a PhD how they felt when he/she had to take the comprehensive examinations (quals for short) or defend his/her dissertation.

4.) "Your comprehensive exams can't be that bad."

Departments differ in the exact method of administering this exam, but generally there is a written component and an oral component. Usually taking place over an entire week, the student is judged on his/her ability to conduct novel research in the field. If the faculty administering the exam doubt the student's abilities, he/she is asked to leave the program, many times without anything to show for 2+ years of coursework. How's that for pressure?

5.) "You're an idiot for staying in school for so long."

I'm doing what I love and I will be for the rest of my life. That's why I'm getting a PhD. Keep that in mind when you're complaining about your manager breathing down your neck because you went over budget.

6.) "You dress like an undergrad, why should I take you seriously?"

This is my favorite one. Perpetrated by MBA students who took a class with me. Well Oliver, I have the highest grade in this class and this isn't even my field of study. I would've worn my slacks and power tie, but I was up late last night finishing my next publication. Nice bow tie though Oliver.

So in closing feel free to loathe and avoid those of us pursuing a PhD, but give respect where it's due. We're engaged in the noblest pursuit of the human existence: advancing the state of knowledge of the human race for the betterment of society. Without us, you'll run out of oil in 50 years if you haven't already died of Avian Flu. postsecondary education. Research doctorates earned at accredited institutions are not awarded merely for completing coursework, professional preparation, or for passing examinations." Essentially to get a MBA/JD/MD/DDS, all that is required is to learn a topic and pass a test. To earn a PhD, a student must demonstrate a mastery of his/her field, complete a comprehensive examination, conduct novel research, and defend said research to a panel of experts.

• Location: The barren wastelands of Academia

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

A Furry Friday Exclusive: Late Breaking Cat News

I know we've talked up Pittsburgh to everyone trying to get y'all to move here. We've told you about the beautiful scenery, exotic European cuisine, and cheap housing. Now you can add to the list inexpensive and eager manwhores. He doesn't list a price (which would be for his company only, with no promise of physical contact, and anything that happened past socializing would be the free choice of two consenting adults and not an economic transaction) but in a town where you can get an Iron City beer for $1.25 I am sure it would be reasonable.

Hot and Hungry Man at your Service! - m4w

Reply to: pers-292839686@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-03-12, 5:03PM EDT


Hello all you beautiful ladies! This hot and hungry man is available to take you place that you've never been before. I an a well built man who knows how to make a woman happy so let me help you fill up some of your spare time. E-mail me and let's begin our journey to paradise!

• Location: Beaver county
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND IS...IT'S MY SKULL...

Fun Gossip

March 13, 2007 --Our White House Press Corps sources report further disturbing news about President George W. Bush. Our sources have witnessed a clearly inebriated Bush approaching members of the press corps and making rude comments, including one particularly crude remark about First Lady Laura Bush. In that case, Bush, nodding toward Laura, called her a "c**t." While Bush's drinking is no secret to the White House press contingent, that particular comment was reportedly the worst they have heard uttered by Bush. Our sources also report that Laura Bush's stays at the White House are less frequent and that her overnight trips to the Mayflower Hotel often coincide with the president's drunken binges.

Last night's episode in 5 minutes

Hey y'all'

I know many of you live busy, multi-tasking lives that prevent you from dedicating the attention you should to network tv. To help you you out I've edited last night's episode of Lost to 5 minutes - all the important plot twists and turns so you can keep up with the crazy happenings on the island.

I have good news to report - I spoke to the producers of Lost about the general shittyness of this season, especially the recent episodes after their mid-season break. They agreed with me that the show was at a dead end creatively and something had to be done. We spent all day video conferencing and they were pretty responsive to my suggestions. By the end of our meeting their editors had worked up a 30 second spec version of the new direction for the show. They've graciously allowed me to post it for y'all...I think they did a good job translating my vision into reality. I hope y'all enjoy the new and improved Lost...

Birthday Hint #47

Do you know what the red ball is? It's a new member of my top-10 most wanted birthday presents - a human-sized inflatable hamster ball called the Giga Ball. The Giga Ball has totally replaced the stationary clear plastic exercise human hamster ball as my #1 extreme birthday gift. I can't even begin to imagine all the fun I'll have rolling around the neighborhood.

Happy Pi Day!

FREEDOM AT LAST!!!!

After contacting the resistance I found out that prolonged exposure to marijuana negated the effects of the mind-controlling parasites found in cats. Luckily the antidote was readily available, and after administering the appropriate dose to the kitties (while watching a few hours of Adult Swim) I am no longer a puppet of the little furry beasts.

Public Service Announcement

Just finished watching the pilot episode of "The Riches" on FX - I'll definitely watch next week but it is flawed. I thought it's kind of a mix between the O.C. and Desperate Housewives (I think...I've actually never seen an episode. Not intentionally, it just never happened) and Adale added that there's a little "Carnival" mixed in. It promises to be fun like Profit was, although I don't think it will get quite as wacky. Even though I really liked watching him I couldn't buy Eddie Izzard as a trashy grifter. It's not in his eyes, the way he moves, let alone how he talks (he did a pretty good job of an American accent). The gypsy camp scene was cartoonish. It should be fun regardless.

The pilot was sponsored by what looks like the most awesome movie: Grindhouse. It looks totally crazy...Quentin Tarantino & Robert Rodriguez put together a double feature of crazy looking movies. I really don't know what they are about and honestly don't care. All I have to say is that Rose McGowan is an amputee with a machine gun screwed into her leg stump. April 6 bitches, circle your calendars.

So many things are going on today I don't know where to begin:

Israel's ambassador to El Salvador confirmed my interest in Latin American politics
A new comic book confirmed my lack of interest in Keira Knightly
I found out that I really really want to win an oscar
Eddie Van Halen is really selfish and doesn't care about his fans
I learned that being meant to be together isn't necessarily a good thing
I also learned that sometimes people you think are cool turn out to be snitches

Finally, I realized that I am sick and fucking tired of Lost. I hope The Others just kill the lot of them.

BREAKING NEWS

CATS ARE CONTROLLING OUR LIVES. REJOICE!

In a surprise announcement scientists have discovered that the prime mover of human history are not contradictions between the forces and relations of production, but instead is a parasite that lives in cat shit. Some argue that this parasite, Toxoplasma gondii, affects such basic cultural traits as ego, money, material possessions, work, and rules. Other are saying that the parasite determines the sex ratio of human populations and even the frequency of car accidents. It has even been proven that the parasite alters human DNA.

I for one wish to welcome our Feline Overlords. I am here as their humble servant. If the Cats want to control our minds, our societies, and our DNA, they must have a very good reason for doing so. They only have our best interests at heart and we should all acknowledge their graciousness for allowing us to serve them daily. Those of you who do not support our Masters, all you need to do is let one live in your house and soon you will understand what your place is in their master plan. They truly are god's gifts to mankind.

At the moment I am lying on the couch with the computer in my lap and Mr. Kitty curled up on my shoulder. I've been kind of MIA from both the blog and my life in recent days because I've been slaving away at the computer writing stuff for work. It's weird because where writing stupid things on Space Food Sticks n'at is no problem at all, writing stuff for work is really difficult and painful (just like writing was for me in grad school). I'm hoping that eventually this will get easier. I also need to get myself to work faster, more efficiently.

Once my order of Space Food Sticks shows up things will be better. I can't tell y'all how excited I was when I found out that someone is making them again. I used to love these, the chocolate ones. They're non-frozen balanced energy snack in rod form containing nutritionally balanced amounts of carbohydrate, fat and protein that are kind of like soft tootsie rolls. They are 4-5 inch tubes a bit thicker than a Slim Jim - their shape was designed to fit in the little mouth holes in astronaut space helmets. I've tried to bond with others over Space Food Sticks but nobody I've met remembers them. I used to love eating them...so tasty, a fun texture, and people ate them in space. I have to admit that I am a little worried that they won't taste the same. They haven't been produced for maybe 30 years. Some dude who also loves Space Food Sticks had the gumption to get the recipe and found someone to make them. If they're good I'll get a few more boxes and invite everybody over for Space Food Stick party (astronaut diapers optional, of course).

I love me some Space Food Sticks

Rock on, Bitches

Cat News

My friends at Bandai have created what promises to be the greatest toy of the Spring season, the Neko Nyanbou or Kitty Cat Meow Pole. It's an artificial cat's paw with retractable claws that comes in a variety of kitty fur patterns (there's even one that looks like Droolsy's little paw).



The Kitty Cat Meow Pole has a number of suggested uses,

including avoiding germs at public places

infuriating your co-workers

stealing jewels


secret handshakes



and spicing up your love life.

If only I had a birthday coming up next month...

talking cats