Wel, my leg is 90% healed, I'm over my cold, and I've finally found my groove at work. Xmas break was super busy. 

We fought off crazy dagos in Pittsburgh who were fighting to buy their spicy meatballs.

Did it up redneck style with quadrunners

Dressed up the dog to honor the birthday of the baby Jesus

Popped Cristal bottles all night long on New Years

Rocked it out with Dick Clark

Made a kitty nest for Mr. Peaches

Somehow I can't find any pictures of our fun times with Kristen, but rest assured, we had tons of fun. Once we get a certain someone to move to Philly we'll be able to eat quesadillas together all the time.

BREAKING NEWS: I'm Chuck Bass!

i don't remember the instructional videos at burger king being this much fun. Adale just called me a true retard for watching these, but she'll never have the grill skills I have.

Carpeted Stairs 1, My Calf Muscle 0

I'll have updates on the Xmas break later, but there's a more pressing news story at the moment - I'm injured!! It's a pretty lame story. I was stepping down a mini-flight of stairs (2 stairs) and felt a sharp pain in my calf, like someone hit me with a ball-peen hammer. I fell down but managed to hobble downstairs & called Adale to drive me home. Adale diagnosed me from the web & today my doctor confirmed what she thought - I have a calf strain, meaning I have a tear in my calf muscle. It was totally weird the first night because the injury to the muscle made it so my foot had to be pointed completely down or I was in crazy pain. The doctor gave my crutches (unfortunately, he was all out of canes) . 

The bad news is that I may never be able to jog again.

The good news is that for the next few days I can legitimately use scooters at the grocery, as I do in the grainy video below. You wouldn't believe how those things can turn on a dime.

Happy Holidays, Bitches!

Adale & I are off to the 'Burgh tomorrow, which means Casual Fridays n'at will be on vacation for the next week. Have tons of fun and I'll be back soon!  

Mr. G

DATELINE: Chili's restaurant, December 17, 2008, 6:22 pm

 

Parking on our street is tough at night because of the brew pub that opened up at the end of the block. Last night I was trying to find a parking spot when this dillhole parked in the middle of a space big enough for two cars, not leaving space for another car. After parking 2 blocks away from my house (the space he fucked up was right in front of our place), I left the note above on the dillhole's car. 

**************** UPDATE (Spoiler alert) *************

The apes rose up & kicked ass. Apes 1, Humans 0.

DATELINE: My Couch

I'm up super early due to a bad case of heartburn. I had it last night too but it had gone away before I went to sleep. I f-ing hate having heartburn but it's giving me a chance to watch Conquest for the Planet of the Apes. I saved the movie, along with 5 other Planet of the Ape movies, on Thanksgiving - American Movie Classics plays a marathon of them every year on Thanksgiving in order to remind us  to be thankful that the Apes haven't risen up against us yet.

After the first 10 minutes I can tell that Conquest is going to be awesome. It's set in 1991, when apes were slaves to humans & tells the story of Cesar, the first ape to rise up against the humans, beginning the chain of events leading to the apes taking over the planet. All dogs & cats died from a virus brought to Earth by an astronaut. Because humans are petty and have an innate desire to control others, they began to domesticate monkeys and apes. Soon humans realized that monkeys and apes could be more than pets. They were quickly bred to be close to human size, trained to do basic tasks, and then treated as slaves. They had all sorts of jobs, like cleaning streets and houses and working at the desks of libraries retrieving reserved books. One of my favorite quotes in the beginning of the movie is from a scene at a restaurant with chimps as waiters. While sipping her ice tea, one woman said to her (female) friend:

"Now that they've been trained not to kill us I don't find them as interesting as I used to."

I've got to get back to the movie but will report back later. Peace out, homo sapien sapiens.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Ok, it's a few days late. Thanksgiving weekend was a blur since AMC played all the Plant of the Apes movies back-to-back all weekend, 24-7. All I can remember is leftovers and Dr. Zaius. Then we were camping outside the movie theater waiting for the opening of Twilight (ed. note: why don't hunky vampires ever fall for me? :(  After that I was planning for the office holiday party last Friday - memorizing funny stories, mapping out the snack tables, etc. I think I also spent a day or so thinking about the following: cats, current events, snacks, current paranormal events, the assassination of JFK, naked ladies, and where I can get the best prices on blank cds.

Anyhooters, Thanksgiving was great. We ordered the turkey from the co-op. It came fresh, in its own box, from the oldest turkey farm in the US.

After substantial research, I settled on melting butter & fresh herbs to rub under the skin. I also put carrots, onions, celery, and more fresh herbs in the cavity (it always feels dirty saying that word). While it was roasting I set the alarm every 30 minutes for basting.

Make sure you double-click on that beats & take a good look at it. It was so goddamn juicy & tasty! 

We had lots of other yummy dishes, including Adale's roasted vegetables in a balsamic glaze, garlicky mashed potatoes, and regular & wheat-free pumpkin pies.

Here's the gang (clockwise): Adale, Brent, Lisa, Liz.

hey all - I'm about to go off to work but wanted to touch base. We got about 1/2 inches of snow last night & it seems like I can't be in denial about winter coming. We're going bowling tonight. Getting ready for thanksgiving. Trying to avoid cyber-attacks. talk to you later.

Mood: grumpy

I found put yesterday that we don't do a Secret Santa in the office. What kind of godless people am I surrounded with? They all seemed so nice...this reminds me of a tv preacher I watched once who was asking the viewers what kind of popular music was the most dangerously Satanic. No, not Slayer or King Diamond, but Whitney Houston. Know why? King Diamond and the like, he argued, are too obvious for Christians to get sucked in to. But Whitney Houston's sweet voice singing the anti-Christian anthem, the Greatest Love of All, is beloved by all Americans. Listen to the lyrics -

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

The greatest love of all is inside me? It's learning to love myself? That's not what Jesus says. That's new age satanic mind-control programming.

We've been obsessed with Desperate Housewives the last few weeks. It's a pretty awesome show. Not Buffy, 6 Feet Under, or Trailer Park Boys awesome, but it's a lot of fun. I highly recommend it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I've had several seasons of The Wire on our list for months because I've read so many people say how great it is, but I would really would rather watch Desperate Housewives or old horror movies. What's on your queue that, if your honest with yourself, you'll never watch unless you accidentally let it slip to the top?

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Awesome picture of Sarah Palin in College, c. 1982

Brownie Bites = +5 Social Capital Points

One of the key lessons I have learned about success in an office environment thus far is the critical importance of building and maintaining social capital throughout the workday and workweek. The following are just a few of the time-tested methods for creating social capital in this particular environment:

1. chatting for several minutes at the beginning of the workday (bonus points for being the first to bring up a notable television event, such as what happened on the previous night's Very Special Episode of E.R.)
   
2. forwarding funny emails
3. being the first to mention the latest viral video
4. suggesting plans for after work social gathering (the act of suggesting such an event is almost as valuable as the event actually taking place)
5. sharing valuable office supplies (printer paper, sticky pads, etc)

And of course, bringing snacks for the office. This week the opportunity to use snacks to raise my profile in the office.

A brownie gift basket company called my cubicle looking for the former resident to ask about his standing Christmas order. When I explained that I was a new occupant of the cubicle, the sales consultant offered to send out a sample pack of brownies. Talk about a manna from the heavens - I love free things and I am obsessed with maximizing my standing in the office hierarchy. The brownies arrived a few days later. After lunch, I cut them into bite-sized pieces and took around a plate to fellow co-workers. You wouldn't believe how excited people were. "You're so nice Greg"..."What a great treat!!"..."You are now at the top of the list for the next promotion" (that was implied through a supervisor's joyful expression with a mouthful of cappuccino brownie). And that, my friends, is just the beginning.

Africa? hahahahahahahahahah..............

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

not my joke, but funny

It's September 12, 2001. You're sitting in front of a TV, watching footage of the World Trade Center collapse over and over and over again.

All of a sudden, someone from seven years in the future walks out of a tiny temporal vortex, and tells you: George W. Bush is going to fuck this up so badly that in 2008, the United States of America will likely elect as president a black man whose middle name is Hussein and whose father was Muslim. Oh, and he also admits he's used cocaine.

I think it would have been easier to convince me of the reality of time travel. "No, no, I believe you really are from the future. But the other stuff, that's CRAZY."

Think you were obsessed with the campaign? Try this quiz & let me know what y'all got. I thought it was pretty tough - I got 22 out of 30.

Times are tough - vote for change!

Rocktoberfest 2008!

I've neglected to tell you, my loyal readers, that we've been very Fall (as in the season) focused. Check out this list.

1. walked through park to see leaves changing
2. drank homemade cider at someone's party
3. made offerings to the harvest gods
4. cooked several squash-centered meals
5. made caramel apples
   

We also went almost-all-out for Halloween.

1. carved jack-o-lanterns
   
2. baked pumpkin seeds & ate them
3. dressed up for the trick-or-treaters
4. decorated the yard for same trick-or-treaters (including a realistically molded plastic human skull, robber spiders & snakes, fake tombstones & real candles, giant fake spider, black light on porch, spooky noises/music cd playing
5. scared the shit out of a number of trick-or-treaters (including making at least 2 cry)
6. attended a Halloween party dressed in costume
7. walked to said party in costume & in character (zombies, 'natch)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Happy Halloween, my pretties!

I'm all set up for a bachelor weekend - Adale is in the 'Burgh & I am on the couch (tm) watching horror movies, drinking beer, and generally harassing the kitties. I just finished Last House on the Left. I think it was Wes Craven's directorial debut. It was considered super shocking and disturbing when it opened in 1972, but compared to movies like Saw and Audition, I can't imagine any movies from the '70's being able to really shock. That said, it was fun to see the hippy dream of peace and love get mutilated by sociopathic ex-cons. Next up is Three...Extremes, a Japanese movie from 2005 made up of three short pieces. I'm excited because they're supposed to be really creepy. If they don't do the trick I have a Hong Kong gangster flick called The Longest Night ready to roll.

Plans for today

1. Consider mid-morning donut
2. Send Madonna encouraging note after her break-up
3. Decide where Patterson Bigfoot footprint cast will hang in my cubicle
4. Bond with co-workers over World Series
5. Keep rockin' in the free world

Mimi looking very cute (photo by Adale).

Luigi and Mario dolls from a toy store in Chinatown.

Lost Treasures

The last few months have been so exciting that I have a backlog of pictures from my adventures that have yet to see the light of day.

In this shot I am posing in front of the oldest Ginko tree in the U.S. When you click to get the bigger picture you can see upclose my goosebumps.


I know all of you recognize this hallowed ground - the Dukes of Hazzard Museum at Cooter's Place Nashville. At Cooter's you walk with the ghosts of legends...I swear that, out of the corner of my eye, the wax sculpture of Uncle Jesse winked at me as I passed by.

LOCATION: On the couch

STATUS: Content

DATELINE: Germantown, PA





I finally found a place that will get my clothes Chihuahua-clean.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

7-11 has a wonderful public education & awareness program utilizing their delicious donuts. I learned just the other day that it's breast cancer awareness month.

Bad News: My 401K lost 10% of it's value in the last 30 days.

Good News: I only lost $41.

DATELINE: OBAMA RALLY

Adale & I went to an Obama rally in our 'hood this morning. We got there about 1/2 hour before the program was start and at the end of a line of several thousand people.

By the time we got into the park we heard the last 3 sentences of Obama's speech. They very inspiring, however, even when he was saying "thanks for coming."

I was wondering how she did it...

Today was a regular day until 3:30 pm. F-ing around on the internet, finding rich people, reading the blogs (FYI: Jonathan Knight from NKOTB is gay & will come out soon - the rest of the band is cool with it), worrying about when the office coffee order will arrive. That all change with one email.

A higher up asked me to research an alum for an upcoming meeting for the president. I thought I recognized the name, and with just a few keystrokes I realized that I did. I was asked to research someone who played a small but notable role in the JFK assassination saga. I can't say who he was without risking my anonymity, but it's someone who was an important part of re-investigations of the assassination taking place in the 1970's.

You can imagine how excited I was. I once sat next to Sen. Arlen Spector (R-PA) at the Pittsburgh airport (low level investigator with the Warren Commission & creator of the 'single-bullet-theory) and this was almost as exciting. Maybe I should start shopping at the grocery store in his neighborhood so I can 'accidentally' bump into him & ask him what really happened with the investigation. In my Kennedy Assassination delirium I found this website with all the source material you need to really get into the nitty gritty of the case. I'm going to start working on my paper on Oswald's trip to Mexico City this weekend.

ELECTION PREDICTION

The last few weeks have been really good for Obama, with Independents appearing to break towards him. After hearing CNN's quick polls about the debate, especially the internals (on who's more likable Obama was around +30, on who sounded like a typical politician Obama was also around +30, who Independants think won the debate Obama was +26), I now feel confident that Obama will win in November. It seems like a majority of people have decided they want Obama as president and nothing either one of them says from now on matters. You never know what will happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if Obama ended up with 330+ electoral votes.

JIMMY CHEW UPDATE

Carrie reminded me that I never let y'all know the fate of little Jimmy Chew. I decided to put him in a hamster cage & let Mr. Peaches have some fun digging out his "prize."









Just Kidding! After I had Jimmy Chew trapped in the kitchen, I went next door and asked our neighbor Ronnie if he grandkids (they stay with her now & then) had a pet hamster. She said they had 2 hamsters & they both got away a month ago. I asked her if one was white & brown and she said that that was the smart one, the one that always figured out a way to escape. She said that the smart one had escaped & helped the smart one get away too. I put Jimmy Chew in a shoe box & showed him to Ronnie - she couldn't believe that he was still alive after a month on the lamb.

Ronnie gave us Jimmy Chew's old cage to put him in - the picture below is of Ronnie marveling at the miracle of Jimmy Chew.





* I saw her little 5 year old grandson Koran a few days later & he told me that the little guy's name is Cinnamon.

I've been taking a shot every time Palin says "maverick" and I can't feel my eyelids.

CAREER OPPORTUNITIES

I have an informational interview with this guy next week. Keep your fingers crossed!!!

JIMMY 2 (CHEW) IN REAL LIFE!

TRAPPED!

BREAKING NEWS: I caught the Hamster!!

We've had a free-range hamster coming into our house for a few weeks now. Adale first heard this crazy hissing in the kitchen & noticed that Mr. Peaches was very excited. After finding kitty food scattered near a missing baseboard, as well as a few rodent poops on the floor, we figured we had a mouse or rat. We set out mouse traps for a few nights but didn't catch anything.

I caught the first glimpse of the critter when I ran into the kitchen upon hearing the hissing. I expected to see a rat & was surprised to see a teddy bear hamster that bore a striking resemblance to my childhood pet hamster, Jimmy (maybe it wasn't that striking since hamsters only come in a few different colors.) The other morning Adale saw Jimmy 2, or Jimmy Chew, run across the dining room floor being chased by Mr. Peaches.

We live in a row house & some kid on the block must have had a pet hamster that got away. They don't live very long - 2 t0 3 years tops.

This morning I heard the hissing again & went into action. I dumped out the magazines from a wicker basket to use as a cage. To my luck Jimmy Chew was in the middle of the Kitchen being slapped around by Mr. Peaches. Did I mention that Mr. Peaches only slaps Jimmy Chew around? He has no killing instinct. He won't even bite the hamster. Pretty lame, right? Anyway, Jimmy Chew was in the middle of the kitchen ad I popped the basket over him. I had to put a case of beer on top of the basket because Mr. Peaches was pushing it around, trying to get at Jimmy Chew.

And that's where we stand at the moment. Adale & I are on the couch drinking coffee and Jimmy Chew is trapped in the kitchen, nibbling on the kitty food I gave him. We're debating what to do with the little guy. Options are

1. let return to his free-range life in the walls of our house
2. ask around to find out which neighbor lost a hamster
3. devote my life to building the greatest hamster cage ever known to mankind
   

I'm leaning toward option 3, but I haven't mentioned it to Adale yet.

Fast forward to 4:25 and listen through to 4:35. Obama is talking about his & McCain's differences about meeting with foreign leaders. Last week McCain had an interview with a latino radio station form Miami and was asked if he would meet with the PM of Spain - McCain gave a confused answer but the next day his campaign manager said that McCain was saying that he wouldn't meet with him. At 4:30 - 4:32, if you turn the volume up, you can hear McCain muttering "horseshit" twice under his breath.

watched the debate but am disappointed that a slap fight didn't break out. No mention of the UFO threat by either candidate - When will they demonstrate executive leadership for the most pressing issue of the day? Sticking your head in the sand won't make our Martian overlords any less eager to enslave and farm out the human race.

Feel smarter in 1 1/2 minutes



Works faster than ginkgo-biloba!

DATELINE: Cape May, Sept 14 9:45 pm

Mood - very very excited.
Cheese fries + bacon strips + crumbled bacon + ranch dressing on the plate =
the most beautiful sight in the world



DATELINE: Cape May, Sept 14 10:17 pm


Mood - flat affect, dazed
Cheese fries + bacon strips + crumbled bacon + ranch dressing in our bellies =
deep and immediate regret + intense nausea

WEDDING EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!!!

The Vows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bern laughs (she's not choking). The fellow with the long hair & beard to the
right is Kristen's dad with his wife

lovely baskets for the flower girls, courtesy of Adale

cupcake tower!!

Bern's sister, Kristen, Bern, Bern's brother, Bern's two little nieces

Today is Kristen's wedding!!! We had dinner last night with her family - all really nice - and now we're off to Michaels to buy a few last things for the wedding. I'll post pictures tomorrow. Adios!!

BREAKING NEWS: Greg is a Fugitive!

Through work I can buy a discount train pass if I go through a certain website. This might be surprising to many of you, especially those who recognize my preternatural business sense & laser-like focus, but I bought the wrong the wrong pass. I thought that since the website knew where I lived & where I worked that I would only be allowed to buy the right pass. Whoops.

The first week I had no problems & the train guys never questioned my pass, but last week a train guy cheerfully explained that I would owe $3.50 each way, every day, because I bought the wrong pass. $7 extra per day because I need to go one stop further than allowed by my pass.

They won't let me trade up for the right pass, even if I pay the difference (way less than $7 per day). So I have no choice. They are forcing me to become a fugitive & ride the rails as an outlaw. Now I have to constantly keep my eyes on the train guys, always knowing where they are & whether they are asking for tickets/passes. Some days they never ask, but you never know.

I've devised a plan to avoid the train guy who first asked me for $$ & identified my less-than-desirable pass by waiting between where the doors of the train will be & waiting for the few seconds when the train guys step off the train when it comes to a complete stop. This allows me to choose the car without the hardass train guy. This plan isn't perfect because while the hardass train guy likely will always ask me for money, any of the other train guys could do the same.

You can never tell what will happen. One particular train guy saw my pass & asked me for $3.50 last week, but then has not asked for money the following times he has seen my pass. I use my thumb to hide the most tell-tale marking on my pass but this is also imperfect because my pass has a slight but noticeably different background from the correct pass.

Today was exciting as I realized that one of the train guys recognizes me from my daily commute - a minor level of trust that I can exploit to my advantage. On the way home I had to stand in the aisle because the seats were full. When my new buddy was walking down the aisle asking for tickets & passes I began to reach into my pocket for my wallet, where my pass is located. He saw this and said something to the effect of "don't worry about it buddy." I made a mental note to always have both my hands full in the hopes that my new friend wouldn't want to inconvenience me with having to juggle my possessions in order to get out my pass. Pray for me that I can make it until my new correct pass arrives for October.

DATELINE: Big Blue

We're headed off to Cape May NJ for a wedding this weekend so there won't be any more posts until Monday night, at least. Talk to y'all later.

KARL ROVE IS AWESOME!

at keeping a straight face

IMPORTANT INFORMATION: My daily schedule

6:30 am alarm goes off

6:40 get out of bed & take a shower

6:52 get out of shower, dry off, go into office & turn on iron

6:58 shave & fix hair

7:08 iron shirt and or shirt if necessary & get dressed

7:20 go downstairs & eat breakfast, most likely Frosted Flakes

7:25 add music or radio show to phone for listening on way to work

7:42 leave house for train

7:52 arrive at train stop

7:58 board train

8:16 arrive at train stop for University X

8:17 try not to be obvious or creepy while ogling co-eds on walk to office

8:28 buy donut at 7/11 four doors down from my office

8:35 arrive at my cubicle

8:36 turn on computer, grab my coffee mug & water glass and go to break room

8:38 make cup of coffee & fill up glass of ice water

8:41 return to cubicle and chat with colleagues to reinforce important anti-management bond

8:47 finish donut and curse my decision not to buy two donuts

9:00 read NY Times & Wall Street Journal online looking for articles relevant to the university

9:40 begin looking for rich alumni who haven’t been connected with the school post-graduation by looking through corporate SEC filings

11:00 check internet to make sure bigfoot has not been captured, watch video if he was

11:10 eat gluten free snack bar

11:15 begin bios & financial profiles on the 4 alumni I identified earlier

12:30 go to break room & microwave Trader Joe’s pad thai bowl for lunch

1:15 back to the cubicle to work

3:00 finish bio/financial profiles & email them to co-worker to look over before I email them to appropriate deans

3:15 start looking for more rich alumni

3:45 read political blogs & use my anger about the a-hole republicans to fuel my last 75 minutes of work

4:15 finish one last bio/profile & send out for editing

4:15- 4:50 create list of possible prospects for profiling tomorrow

4:55 change from business shoes to walking shoes

5:00 say goodbye to everyone & leave for train stop

5:18 try not to be obvious or creepy while ogling co-eds on walk to train

5:17 catch #7 train home

5:33 arrive at my stop & walk home

5:45 arrive at home to find Mr. Peaches in the window & Adale on the couch, eagerly awaiting my arrival. Mimi doesn't care that I'm home, however.

5:46 - 12:00 fun & relaxation

Not necessarily a bad thing, however

Check this shit out!!

God damn I wish my office had one of these. This is way better than the hot dog vending machine at DFW. I had been feeling pretty good about my office situation - the close proximity to a full service 7-11, a veritable cornucopia of food trucks throughout campus, and I don't have to mention the newspaper reading assignment, so I? But, a pizza vending machine would be a dream. I love me some frozen pizza and I do believe last June's Harvard Business Review that a 10% increase in airborne pizza molecules creates a synergistic effect, raising productivity along with lowering worker's desire for equitable compensation.

Whom among us does not enjoy Christian Ska?

When I got up for work last Thursday I thought, "Greg, you deserve a donut today. Wouldn't it be great if some angel descended from the heavens and brought donuts to work?" Lo and behold, what did I see when I got to the breakroom?


That's right - 24 delicious donuts free for the taking! I was so freamin' excited! The weekend was shaping up to be wonderful with free donuts on Thursday and then Allison coming to town Friday night.


So I made a cup of coffee, grabbed a donut, and headed to my desk to start the day off right. I don't have to tell my fellow office workers that 6 of the greatest words in the English language are "free donuts in the break room", perhaps second only to "boss is paying for happy hour."
Even the mini-greggytron-3000 can detect the excitement in the air.

I know you, my dear readers, have excellent powers of observation & are wondering why I had a vanilla-iced donut and not my favorite, the chocolate-iced donut. I did eat a chocolate one in the break room but decided to leave the last remaining chocolate donut in the box for my co-workers (you never know who's watching, ready to snitch you out for being greedy) and take the vanilla one to my desk. This is one of the countless instances throughout the day where a working knowledge of Game Theory is critical to success in the office environment.

Meckalecka Hi Mecka Hiney Ho friends!

Another week is coming to an end at the office. The bossman has been away for 2 straight weeks, meaning an extra few minutes in the break room & 2 more chit-chat sessions added into the daily routine! I may celebrate the end of the week & casual friday with a donut tomorrow morning.

Allison is coming in for the weekend & we're super super excited. I have tortillas, cheese, & refried beans waiting for the word that quesadillas are desired. Y'all have fun & I'll check in later.

Introducing Fortune Cookies to the Chinese

DATELINE: Big Blue

It's been more difficult than I imagined it would be to get used to the 9-5 world. I love my cubicle, my train ride, having a 7-11 on campus just 4 doors down from my building, and being paid to sit in front of a computer all day, but in some strange way that I don't completely understand, routine makes it difficult to plan certain things. Specifically, it's been hard to keep up with Casual Friday's n'at. But never fear, dear readers, because I have put my considerable business experience, along with my innate ability to monetize synergistic relationships, to work solving this issue and I foresee a dramatic shift in the frequency of posts in the near future.

Top 5 things I like to talk to my co-workers at the beginning of the day*

1. recent alligator attacks
2. my kitties
   
3. The a/c system, because some days its not working & the office is really muggy
4. sasquatch
5. green eggs and ham**

* all are from actual conversations
** except this one

Researcher says Bigfoot just a rubber gorilla suit

I never saw this coming - someone in the government finally got to the Georgia guys & made them change their story.

BREAKING NEWS: New Video of Bigfoot!

This story keeps getting stranger & stranger

Hey all - the Entertainment Lawyer (enty to his friends) had some juicy blind items last Friday, all involving major people from the 4th greatest TV show ever, 90210. Let's hear you guesses people!

Hey all - the Entertainment Lawyer (enty to his friends) had some juicy blind items last Friday, all involving major people from the 4th greatest TV show ever, 90210. Let's hear you guesses people!

Four For Friday

So how about some original 90210 blinds. They all involve people who were on the show. And no, not just people who were on for an episode or two.

#1 - This actress recently reunited with her former flame for about a week of loving when each of their current relationships turned sour at about the same time. After a week they realized why the hell they had broken up in the first place.

#2 and #3 - Despite the age difference, this younger actress on the show came out to this older actress on the show and they had a love affair for about a year. The older actress had been married, but was not at the time of the romance. The younger actress has never been married.

#4 - Although she was portrayed as innocent on the show, in real life, this actress was not so innocent. During the course of each season she would generally get with 4-5 different members of the cast and crew. If you do the math, it is quite the number.

MEANEST OBIT EVER?

Dolores Aguilar 1929 - Aug. 7, 2008 Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby. She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone. Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing. Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again. There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.

BIGFOOT UPDATE - It's More Mysterious Than We Ever Imagined

The Georgia Bigfoot dudes announced in their press conference the results of two DNA tests. One test from the body had human DNA, another from the intestines had possum DNA. Our worst fears have been confirmed- Bigfoot is a not a non-homo sapien sapien branch of primate evolution but instead some hellish half-human/half-possum clone! I can only imagine the evil, devious mind that created this miserable beast

Here's a little bit of the press conference. It's from someone videotaping their TV so the quality isn't the greatest.

I HAD NO IDEA

I was on an Olympic training regimen.

Possibly the Most Important Find in Bigfoot History?

Hey howdy friends! I've been on pins & needles about tomorrow's big press conference. You know, the guys from Georgia who say they have a Bigfoot body & are going to offer dna proof that it's a real Bigfoot. The picture above is of the supposed Sasquatch in a cooler.

I haven't been able to concentrate at work with thoughts running through my head about the possibility that we will have actual proof of He Who Walks Among Us. I know scientists could clone it, so maybe in a few years we'll all have pet Sasquatch's sleeping at our feet while we read the paper & have a highball at night.

Everything is happening so fast in the BRC (that's Bigfoot Research Community) since the announcement of the press conference and, as we all expected, those dicks at BFRO (the Bigfoot Field Researchers Org) are acting all skeptical & tying to convince everyone that the Georgia Bigfoot Body is a hoax. The BFRO chumps believe the photo above is really this costume! Dudes, it's obviously can't be the costume - just read the Georgia dude's description & then tell me if it sounds like they're describing a Halloween costume or the real deal!

*The creature is seven feet seven inches tall.
*It weighs over five hundred pounds.
*The creature looks like it is part human and part ape-like.
*It is male.
*It has reddish hair and blackish-grey eyes.
*It has two arms and two legs, and five fingers on each hand and
five toes on each foot.
*The feet are flat and similar to human feet.
*Its footprint is sixteen and three-quarters inches long and five and three-quarters inches wide at the heel.
*From the palm of the hand to the tip of the middle finger, its hands are
eleven and three-quarters inches long and six and one-quarter inches wide.
*The creatures walk upright. (Several of them were sighted on the same day that the body was found.)
*The teeth are more human-like than ape-like.

Can't buy that shit at Spencers. Nuff 'said. Peace out Yetis.

Only 6 more months...

If I am elected president, I promise better robot insurance for every American!

Adale's sister is in town for the weekend & we're on a cupcake tasting mission for Kristin. The sacrifices we make for friends...

The past week went pretty smoothly - I only missed my train stop once, found some nice rich people, and began to add some flair to my cubicle (a few win-up robots and a small ceramic figurine of a Shriner. Allison has promised a few exciting surprises for my cubicle I can't wait to see.

We got a new couch - meet Big Blue!!

Through the magic of craigslist we got rid of our grey couch. We couldn't sell it with a clear conscience because every once in a while you could smell kitty pee on it, so I put it up for free & within 12 minutes of the posting people were blowing up my cell.

Big Blue fulfills many of our requirements for a couch. It's a sectional, it's big, and it's not ugly. We would have liked to not buy an Ikea couch because so much of the apartment was renovated with Ikea stuff, but Ikea is like crack. You are never free from it's grip.

We're off to eat cupcakes, cheesesteaks, and visit the Mutter museum. Adios!!

Surprisingly, I did not have a bad case of the Mondays yesterday. After getting some insight into my role in the university machine last week I was ready to greet the new week and make a difference in the workplace. A few exciting things happened in the past few days that make me cautiously excited about the new job:

• My job involves screwing around on the internet all day and that's exactly what I do when I'm unemployed.
  
• My boss assigned me to look through the NY Times & Wall Street Journal every morning. Can you fucking believe that? I have to read the paper every day BECAUSE THAT'S MY JOB!
  
• Casual Fridays. 'Nuff Said.

The Bong Water is So Smooth