HOW TO TELL YOU ARE IN SOMEONE'S HOUSE IN ITHACA, NY

Let's say you're walking down the street, get hit on the head with a blackjack & the next thing you know you're in the trunk of a car going down the highway. Hours, maybe days later the car stops and you're dragged out of the trunk into a building. The blindfold over your eyes is finally removed and after your eyes adjust to the light & the chloroform fog wears off you realize that you're tied to a chair in someone's apartment. You've got to look for clues to figure out what's happening & where you are...the car ride was a haze & you have no idea how long you were in there so you really could be anywhere in the US.

Well, I've come up with a guide that will help you if you're kidnapped & taken to Ithaca, NY. The photos below provide key visual clues that, if you're observant enough to recognize, will let you know that you've been taken to Ithaca, probably to be enslaved by the hippy cult running the Mate Factor, destined to weave friendship bracelets & handcraft mate mugs in their dungeon for the rest of your days.


When your captors give you your daily sip of water laced with sodium pentathol & rohypnol, be sure to run your lips over the rim of the cup. Is it a beautiful, hand thrown earthenware coffee mug? If not blindfolded, look around - do you see any evidence of hand made pottery?

You must be ever vigilant and take note of every little thing going on, no matter how insignificant it seems at the time. For example, does it seem like your captors schedule out daily "fun family" activities? Do these activities include an inordinate amount of "nature walks" and similar outdoor activities? Is TV time scheduled, and then reserved for educational videos for which the children have no say?


Ferns? check. Tapestry? check. CD case full of Sim Redmond and Dave Matthews? check. Kids art hanging from light and on desk? check. Stained glass? check.

If you are not blindfolded look around to catch a glimpse of the condiments used by your captors. The jars may have a familiar shape but the labels reveal their sinister contents.

Even the smallest piece of Grateful Dead memorabilia is strong evidence that your captors did not stop in Danby and took you straight to Ithaca.

Look at this picture & think about what you're looking at. Imagine you are tied up in this room. What do you hear? The most important piece of evidence here is the TV - it's covered up with an attractive cloth hand woven by Latin American artisans. Hippies use magic textiles to block radiation from their tv sets.


Double-check the gruel your captors serve you. Tofu? TVP? Tahini? Is your cookie sweetened with honey? Even though hippies traffic in White Slavery they are concerned about the effects of factory farming on our diets as well as the environment.