In case anybody hasn't bought a birthday present for me yet:
Auction hounds are snapping up "vampire killing kits" and "vampire hunting kits" manufactured by a nineteenth century quack named Ernst Blomberg. The kits, which have been found in Australia and sold by at least two auction houses (including Southebys, reportedly for $12,000), include silver bullets, a wooden stake, holy water, and other important vampire-destroying items. Back in 2003, Gunbroker.com auctioned off one of the kits, and posted a transcription of the instructions that came with the original box:
Vampire Killing Kit
The accoutrements for the destruction of the Vampire
This box contains the items considered necessary for the protection of persons who travel into certain little known countries in Easter Europe where the populace are plagued with a peculiar manifestation of evil, known as Vampires... Professor Ernst Blomberg respectfully requests that the purchaser of this kit carefully studies his book. Should evil manifestations become apparent, he is then equiped to deal with them efficiently... Professor Blomberg wishes to announce his grateful thanks to that well known gunmaker of Liege, Nicholas Plombeur, whose help in compiling of the special items, the silver bullets,etc., has been most efficient. The items enclosed are as follows...
1. An efficient pistol with its usual accoutrements
2. A quantity of bullets of the finest silver
3. Powdered flowers of garlic (one phial)
4. Flour of Brimstone (one phial)
5. Wooden stake (Oak)
6. Ivory crucifix
7. Holy Water (one phial)
8. Professer Blomberg's New Serum
3 comments:
Hmmm... I like it, but does it come in white?
Do you HAVE to use it on vampires? Er... ahem, that is to say... I mean that I have a few neighbors who have been acting like "vampires" and need to be staked.
Is there a legal defense I can use that would convince the court to grant a "whoopsie" for a homicide that was intended to be a slaying? Will I get any points for doing battle with the undead? Like an unholy get-out-of-jail-free card? I didn't see anything like that on the inventory.
I didn't know shitting in your neighbor's yard was a characteristic of vampires?
It's not: those are the weekend zombies. West Chester is full of the undead.
Don't worry, I'm laying a trap for them as well. A little shit is bad, but a lot of shit, spread everywhere, clearly says "abandon all hope ye who enter here."
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