Attention all you single ladies - I've heard through the grapevine that unknowingly dating gay men has become a near epidemic. In the interests of your future hetero-happiness I have discovered a list of clues that you can use next time you're thinking about getting serious with that funny and stylish young man you've been dating. I know what some of you are thinking, but since I moved away from Ithaca I display far fewer of these suspicious qualities.

• If sexual activity steeply declines within the first few years of marriage.
• You're always more sexually aggressive than your husband.
• If your husband is turned off by the thought of touching your vaginal area or performing oral sex on you.
• If his best friend is gay.
• If he hangs out in gay bars.
• If he enjoys watching gay porn movies and surfing gay porn Web sites.
• If he is excessively homophobic, mocking and imitating other gay men.
• If he brags about gay men complimenting him on his looks.