Y'all have heard about the new Jim Carrey Movie, Yes Man, where he has to say yes to everything in order to experience the fullness of life? I can really relate to that character. I'm just like him, except only with donuts, liquor, and videos where people get attacked by animals.

Wel, my leg is 90% healed, I'm over my cold, and I've finally found my groove at work. Xmas break was super busy. 

We fought off crazy dagos in Pittsburgh who were fighting to buy their spicy meatballs.

Did it up redneck style with quadrunners

Dressed up the dog to honor the birthday of the baby Jesus

Popped Cristal bottles all night long on New Years

Rocked it out with Dick Clark

Made a kitty nest for Mr. Peaches

Somehow I can't find any pictures of our fun times with Kristen, but rest assured, we had tons of fun. Once we get a certain someone to move to Philly we'll be able to eat quesadillas together all the time.

BREAKING NEWS: I'm Chuck Bass!

i don't remember the instructional videos at burger king being this much fun. Adale just called me a true retard for watching these, but she'll never have the grill skills I have.

Carpeted Stairs 1, My Calf Muscle 0

I'll have updates on the Xmas break later, but there's a more pressing news story at the moment - I'm injured!! It's a pretty lame story. I was stepping down a mini-flight of stairs (2 stairs) and felt a sharp pain in my calf, like someone hit me with a ball-peen hammer. I fell down but managed to hobble downstairs & called Adale to drive me home. Adale diagnosed me from the web & today my doctor confirmed what she thought - I have a calf strain, meaning I have a tear in my calf muscle. It was totally weird the first night because the injury to the muscle made it so my foot had to be pointed completely down or I was in crazy pain. The doctor gave my crutches (unfortunately, he was all out of canes) . 

The bad news is that I may never be able to jog again.

The good news is that for the next few days I can legitimately use scooters at the grocery, as I do in the grainy video below. You wouldn't believe how those things can turn on a dime.

Happy Holidays, Bitches!

Adale & I are off to the 'Burgh tomorrow, which means Casual Fridays n'at will be on vacation for the next week. Have tons of fun and I'll be back soon!  

Mr. G

DATELINE: Chili's restaurant, December 17, 2008, 6:22 pm

 

Parking on our street is tough at night because of the brew pub that opened up at the end of the block. Last night I was trying to find a parking spot when this dillhole parked in the middle of a space big enough for two cars, not leaving space for another car. After parking 2 blocks away from my house (the space he fucked up was right in front of our place), I left the note above on the dillhole's car. 

**************** UPDATE (Spoiler alert) *************

The apes rose up & kicked ass. Apes 1, Humans 0.

DATELINE: My Couch

I'm up super early due to a bad case of heartburn. I had it last night too but it had gone away before I went to sleep. I f-ing hate having heartburn but it's giving me a chance to watch Conquest for the Planet of the Apes. I saved the movie, along with 5 other Planet of the Ape movies, on Thanksgiving - American Movie Classics plays a marathon of them every year on Thanksgiving in order to remind us  to be thankful that the Apes haven't risen up against us yet.

After the first 10 minutes I can tell that Conquest is going to be awesome. It's set in 1991, when apes were slaves to humans & tells the story of Cesar, the first ape to rise up against the humans, beginning the chain of events leading to the apes taking over the planet. All dogs & cats died from a virus brought to Earth by an astronaut. Because humans are petty and have an innate desire to control others, they began to domesticate monkeys and apes. Soon humans realized that monkeys and apes could be more than pets. They were quickly bred to be close to human size, trained to do basic tasks, and then treated as slaves. They had all sorts of jobs, like cleaning streets and houses and working at the desks of libraries retrieving reserved books. One of my favorite quotes in the beginning of the movie is from a scene at a restaurant with chimps as waiters. While sipping her ice tea, one woman said to her (female) friend:

"Now that they've been trained not to kill us I don't find them as interesting as I used to."

I've got to get back to the movie but will report back later. Peace out, homo sapien sapiens.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

Ok, it's a few days late. Thanksgiving weekend was a blur since AMC played all the Plant of the Apes movies back-to-back all weekend, 24-7. All I can remember is leftovers and Dr. Zaius. Then we were camping outside the movie theater waiting for the opening of Twilight (ed. note: why don't hunky vampires ever fall for me? :(  After that I was planning for the office holiday party last Friday - memorizing funny stories, mapping out the snack tables, etc. I think I also spent a day or so thinking about the following: cats, current events, snacks, current paranormal events, the assassination of JFK, naked ladies, and where I can get the best prices on blank cds.

Anyhooters, Thanksgiving was great. We ordered the turkey from the co-op. It came fresh, in its own box, from the oldest turkey farm in the US.

After substantial research, I settled on melting butter & fresh herbs to rub under the skin. I also put carrots, onions, celery, and more fresh herbs in the cavity (it always feels dirty saying that word). While it was roasting I set the alarm every 30 minutes for basting.

Make sure you double-click on that beats & take a good look at it. It was so goddamn juicy & tasty! 

We had lots of other yummy dishes, including Adale's roasted vegetables in a balsamic glaze, garlicky mashed potatoes, and regular & wheat-free pumpkin pies.

Here's the gang (clockwise): Adale, Brent, Lisa, Liz.

hey all - I'm about to go off to work but wanted to touch base. We got about 1/2 inches of snow last night & it seems like I can't be in denial about winter coming. We're going bowling tonight. Getting ready for thanksgiving. Trying to avoid cyber-attacks. talk to you later.

Mood: grumpy

I found put yesterday that we don't do a Secret Santa in the office. What kind of godless people am I surrounded with? They all seemed so nice...this reminds me of a tv preacher I watched once who was asking the viewers what kind of popular music was the most dangerously Satanic. No, not Slayer or King Diamond, but Whitney Houston. Know why? King Diamond and the like, he argued, are too obvious for Christians to get sucked in to. But Whitney Houston's sweet voice singing the anti-Christian anthem, the Greatest Love of All, is beloved by all Americans. Listen to the lyrics -

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

The greatest love of all is inside me? It's learning to love myself? That's not what Jesus says. That's new age satanic mind-control programming.

We've been obsessed with Desperate Housewives the last few weeks. It's a pretty awesome show. Not Buffy, 6 Feet Under, or Trailer Park Boys awesome, but it's a lot of fun. I highly recommend it.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

I've had several seasons of The Wire on our list for months because I've read so many people say how great it is, but I would really would rather watch Desperate Housewives or old horror movies. What's on your queue that, if your honest with yourself, you'll never watch unless you accidentally let it slip to the top?

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Awesome picture of Sarah Palin in College, c. 1982

Brownie Bites = +5 Social Capital Points

One of the key lessons I have learned about success in an office environment thus far is the critical importance of building and maintaining social capital throughout the workday and workweek. The following are just a few of the time-tested methods for creating social capital in this particular environment:

1. chatting for several minutes at the beginning of the workday (bonus points for being the first to bring up a notable television event, such as what happened on the previous night's Very Special Episode of E.R.)
   
2. forwarding funny emails
3. being the first to mention the latest viral video
4. suggesting plans for after work social gathering (the act of suggesting such an event is almost as valuable as the event actually taking place)
5. sharing valuable office supplies (printer paper, sticky pads, etc)

And of course, bringing snacks for the office. This week the opportunity to use snacks to raise my profile in the office.

A brownie gift basket company called my cubicle looking for the former resident to ask about his standing Christmas order. When I explained that I was a new occupant of the cubicle, the sales consultant offered to send out a sample pack of brownies. Talk about a manna from the heavens - I love free things and I am obsessed with maximizing my standing in the office hierarchy. The brownies arrived a few days later. After lunch, I cut them into bite-sized pieces and took around a plate to fellow co-workers. You wouldn't believe how excited people were. "You're so nice Greg"..."What a great treat!!"..."You are now at the top of the list for the next promotion" (that was implied through a supervisor's joyful expression with a mouthful of cappuccino brownie). And that, my friends, is just the beginning.

Africa? hahahahahahahahahah..............